Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Threesome in a minivan. New low
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
