Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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