the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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