Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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