No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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