I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
