so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
