I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
