My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
