I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
