It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize