Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
