just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize