You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
