overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Drunk is not a location!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
