Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
After last night, I could never be a politician.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
