I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
