cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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