Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
