I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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