Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
