Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
