So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
