Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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