I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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