when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
