i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
