I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
