I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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