I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
