my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
