He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
