I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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