rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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