I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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