I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
