We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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