Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
