I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
