So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
