while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
