I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
