her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
