i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize