she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
