I am midnight drunk by noon
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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