Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
