There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
