she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
