Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
my poor anus
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
