They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
