I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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