so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
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