This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
