kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
