She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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