Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
You're like the curious george of whores
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
