He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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