so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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