rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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