If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
