someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
