I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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