I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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