not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
