You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize