can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
