i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
