Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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