Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
