the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
