i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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